The Dirge

Aisha Grace

Aisha is almost three.
She is a bouncing, crayon-on-wall coloring, see how far I can get from the chair leaping, green tomatoes out of the garden picking princess with a pretty good tiger growl and an incredible smile.

"Daddy - shhhh...stop talking. Me want ice cream."
"Daddy - I peed in me bath."
"Daddy - I peed in the grass."
"Daddy - me princess, you prince."

and that's when I melt into nothing.

I'm not very good at babies - especially not newborns. Its not like I don't love my kid or something, but they are just kind of like...I dunno...a worm. I mean I feel a little helpless and hopelessly useless besides changing diapers or cuddling or passing them off to the feeding station (aka mommy). With Aisha I found myself waiting excitedly for the "next stage" and dreaming about the day that I just lived out today.

We made up a stupid song for cleaning the house, fought a quick battle to get her teeth brushed, rinsed the pee out of the tub (who knows what twisted two year old circuitry inspired her to relieve herself in the empty tub when we weren't looking) sang the songs, prayed the prayers, and kissed her soft cheek good night.

I'm undone because the days I was so eagerly hoping for are here...but they are passing. No doubt the best days are ahead, but these ones will never return. Ok forgive me that I'm trudging through the same dirge that every parent does at some point, but this is really tough.

So - Gabriel is coming. And since I'm not strong enough to keep the earth from spinning, or whatever it is that makes time, I'll do what I know I can do. I will live in slow motion. I will hold on to each memory like the last bubble that makes it all the way across the street and into the neighbor's tree before it pops. I will remember that kids were born to grow up, and I will enjoy them all the way from worm to wedding day.